Past Conditioning

During the Life Directions Workshop I was asked to reflect on what beliefs were engrained in me as a child mostly by my parents and reflect on how my life as reflected those messages. Here are my responses:




Beliefs that were ingrained in you as a child? I remember my mom couldn't emphasize enough how important it is to tithe to the church and pay taxes. She said you never want to owe the spirit world/the universe. She also said that it is good to think wisely before you to speak less is better than to speak too much. She also taught me that I should try different things and always be open minded. There is always more to learn. She paid for my ballet lessons, music lessons and for boarding school abroad even though our family had to borrow money to pay for it.

Growing up she was encouraging about almost all my endeavors expect my art. I used to draw my mom pictures and make her cards but I when I would see them in the trash later and would ask her about it and she would explain that she said she didn’t know what to do with them. She said she doesn’t really appreciate art but Dad does. “Show Dad he understands art.”

My dad said “Always leave a plus.” He was always extremely generous and he loved buying gifts. That's how he showed that he cared. He would spend top dollar on gifts for people including me, without appearing to think twice about it and I remember mom being angry that he spent too much. He told me that if you buy something on sale you won't appreciate it as much as when you pay full price for a quality item that you really want. I also remember him getting frustrated at me when he came home from work and wanted to be along and I bothered him. He didn't like it when I asked him questions. I remember him telling me “Don’t ask stupid questions or you’ll get a stupid answer.” One time we were talking about why he likes to make fun of me and my sisters and he said “I don’t want to complement my kids because then they’ll become arrogant.”


How has your life reflected these messages? Well, I think I learned from my mom that it's good to try new things and travel. From that influence, I've moved around a lot, I also changed my major in college about five times and I love to listen to different peoples perspectives of life and anything else that makes them unique. I have been told that I am open minded and a good listener. On the other hand I find that in my artistic career it has been difficult for me to make money through my work because I have a hard time putting a price value on it. It's hard to believe that it will be appreciated by other people and so I often severely under-charge if i charge at all, for all the hours and hours of work I spend on a design. I'm thinking that might be connected to the fact that my mom had a difficult time understanding and valuing my art as a kid.

I think my dad influenced me in the way spend money and my desire to buy gifts. When I do get money I immediately feel like I have to spend it all on other people, or donate to a good cause (that's more from my mom). If I get a pay check for $500.00 I automatically think of buying a $500 gift for my parents in law because I want to even the score since my husband and I don't pay rent, even though as a couple we need that money for our necessities. I feel a sense of urgency to pay back my parents-in-law even though in reality they really don't even think about it. People have told me I am very generous. My husband thinks I'm too generous. I also find it hard to express how I feel/think because I'm afraid people may think it's dumb. I'm starting to realize it doesn't really matter if they do.